Non-existence?

Had quite a long chat with one of my superior at work today. I tried to be more on the ball just now, hence I approached and ask him regarding some things wrong which I feel need some rectifying, his answer was - it does not matter, just accept it. Told me some lessons he learnt from the company so far. Main gist of it is that even if anyone were to leave immediately, it is not going to affect the company, the plant is still going to run, and money will still be generated. Even if you don't do any handing over, burn up all your documents, nothing will happen, not just for me, but even those as senior as him. Work is all about wayang, all about smoking and talking. He told me as our CEO is getting a huge pay increment as shown on today's straits times, here I am worrying about such a minor thing that does not even help the company earn any money.

He was right in some ways. Why should I bother to do all these if end of the day it is going to be redundant. I realised how insignificant I am compared to the hundred millions the company is earning each quarter. My existance or not in the company is not going to even nudge the finances at all. I am just less than "petty cash". And most importantly, the work I do is not at all that valuable.

Sian. What is the meaning of my life here then? I wonder if I just dissapear into thin air, how is the world going to change. I cannot even cause any influence in my small company, let alone affect the world. Probably if I dissapear, it would only mean 1 less person to squeeze for company transport in the morning to the world. Hence I decided to stop doing anything for the rest of the day. Working can make a person lose himself.

I know this post is a direct opposite of my previous post, one full of dreams and optimism. But I guess it just shows the direct contrast of my "morning life" and "night life". Totally demoralised at work in the morning, and can only wait for the night to come each day. When it comes work, I am like a dead man, but when it comes to training, I am alive. If not for this balance, I would really be non-existent a long time ago. So I ask again, what is my real profession? I guess the answer is both, I am using my day profession to "feed" my night profession. People ultimately need "bread" to survive, you can only feed on passion for so far, at least in my case.

I just want to say - I hate the person that I am in the day, I hate that person I see in the mirror every morning. I am just half of what I can be now.